Honesty...

Lately, I really just have not had much to say. I think about writing and then I wonder, does anyone even read this? Then I have to think, well what is the purpose of a blog? I honestly don't know. It is a way to journal online, a way for people to see more of you than you can express out loud, to let people see your heart not just what appears because of nervous habit or fear. As you probably already know, I am quite dysfunctional. I have a low to non-existent self-esteem, which makes it a challenge to make and keep friends (not much fun to hang out with I guess) which then effects my low self esteem. Such a nasty cycle. I wish I knew how to get off the roller coaster and learn how to not depend on others opinions of me. The other problem I have is interpreting things and taking things personally when that was never an intention of the other person. I can make a mess of the simplest things. I struggle, we all probably struggle with different things. You may be surprised to find that I am an introvert. My coping mechanisms are very different depending on the circumstances. I have been told that because of my fear of rejection I can appear snobby or prudish, and other times I make a total fool of myself and can't face anyone for awhile. How do you learn to get outside yourself and not worry about any of these things? Worry never helped anyone - in fact most often, worry is harmful! How do you train yourself not to worry or how do you just trust the invisible God with EVERYTHING! He is trustworthy but sometimes it is hard to trust. I admit I struggle! God says He is my all in all, I don't need anything else. Why do I struggle so much when I have the I AM in my life as my master, my Lord, and my Abba? Help me Jesus to have Your love flow from me, help me to have compassion from You to flow to those around me, make me Your vessel and use me to the glory of Your name!

A Call to Die

I don't know if I mentioned this already or not, but I am doing a daily devotion called "A Call to Die". It is pretty intense - which I like - with the challenges to die to my selfish desires and the way I live life in general. One of the things I have been reading about lately is about how often we minimize the purpose of the cross in our daily lives. Like there is some way to get deeper spiritually than the cross. I had to think about that for awhile because I get that way, where I think I need to grow deeper in my walk with cross than understanding what Jesus did on the cross. I still struggle to grasp the love and depth of sacrifice that Jesus has shown through His death on the cross. He didn't want to die! He had given up equality with God to live amongst us and then to take every sin ever committed and every sin to ever be committed in the future on Himself and died once for them all!We all have a choice to make, are we going to believe that He did that and accept Him as our Lord and Master. I have made that decision and yet I struggle daily to honor what He did on the cross. I still mess up regularly. I wish that I had the book with me right now so I could give you this quote word for word, but Charles Spurgeon said, "If you sin, sin boldly. Every time you sin, you are saying that sin is worth more to you than the cross of Jesus Christ." Ouch! I make so many choices each day - how I speak to people, the thoughts I entertain, the little white lies, the bad attitude, the selfishness, and the list goes on. I desire to think about Christ and Him crucified and have that be my perspective for each daily choice. I want to live a life filled with gratitude and thanksgiving, full of love and compassion. I want to rejoice when God rejoices and I want to weep when God weeps. To live with such passion and zeal and remembrance for why I am allowed to live eternally with God!

Retreating

My mother treated me to the women's retreat with New Heights Community Church this past weekend. It was so wonderful to get away and relax, soak in the Scriptures, and time with all those wonderful women. Julie spent the weekend sharing with all of us what she is learning about Jewish history and how it ties in to the Scriptures and Christ's crucifixtion. It was so cool. I learned that while Jesus' hands and feet were being nailed to the cross a lamb was being bound for the atonement sacrifice in the temple. When the atonement sacrifice had been completed, the priest would come out of the temple and say, " The nations sins have been atoned for. It is finished." and when Jesus breathed His last on the cross, He said, "It is finished." Christ atoned for our sins for all eternity that day. Why? Because He loves us, because He loves us, because He loves us, because He loves us, because He loves us.... "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" God has been speaking to me in so many ways about how much He loves me 100%, He will never love me any more and He will never love me any less. He loves me as I am and not as I should be. Praise God! I am so blessed by the Lord's love, faithfulness, grace, mercy, friendship, mastership, and His many blessings in my life. I have a wonderful family - by blood and by marriage - I couldn't ask for better family. I have friends, a home fellowship, a house, a man I love and who loves me deeply.
Anyway, the weekend was fun. We had times to sing together, to learn together, to get out and enjoy the autumn air, to eat together, and just enjoy God's wonderful creation. I went horseback riding with some of the woman and that was a blast. My horses name was China and she was a good mare. It was a tiring weekend but worth every minute.
I am thankful for you, by the way! :-)

Life, Plans and Blessings

Life keeps going round and round. I was just telling Dan the other day that things keep going same in and same out every week and sometimes you just want to get off for awhile. He commented about how blessed we were that it goes that way with a job we like. I agreed because I have tried it with a job I didn't like and it is much harder. There are so many things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my family (by blood and by marriage), for our home, for my wonderful husband who loves me and honors God, for my job and the splendid people I serve with, for our home church and the small group we are connecting with, for fall, for this women's retreat, for the holidays coming up, and so many other things. When you start to list all the things that you are thankful for you can't help but be cheerful, you should try it!
I am going through a daily devotional, it has been challenging and energizing. It amazes me how much of a difference it makes in my daily life when I spend time to focus on the Lord and really think on His word. I am more productive with my time, I am calmer and more steady emotionally, my husband sees a great change in my attitude in general, and I see things differently. Thanks mom for getting it for me.It is a great addition and blessing in my life.
This weekend I am going on a women's retreat with my mom and I am so excited to be getting away. I am looking forward to the time spent with God and with a bunch of women who are devoted to knowing Him better. It will be nice to relax and go horseback riding etc. I have not gone away on my own without Dan since we got married so I am excited about the opportunity. He is looking forward to his time to do his own thing and not worry about me. :-)
Dan is putting on our new front door this weekend. It is great that we have a friend coming to help him and that will feel good for both of them. I am looking forward to the look it will give the house. I will have to post pictures. I keep forgetting to get those up.
I hope you have a great weekend and think on the things that you are most grateful for.

Fun Weekend!

It was a full and very fun weekend. It was a bit of a birthday extravaganza. Friday night, Dan and I worked around the house and in the garage trying to get some things done. We also went on a date, thanks to Ray and Carol (my in-laws), to Chili's. It was so nice to get out and share a meal and a drink together and just talk. Saturday we poured a little concrete in our backyard and put our hand prints and names in it. We did some more work in the garage. We never seem to have enough time to finish what we are working on so we keep coming back to the same projects to try and get them done. Our friend, Forrest, turned 40 on Saturday and since Blair turns 30 on the 7th we had a combined 70th Birthday bash for them. It was great fun, filled with friends, food, drink and games. We watched a little college ball and ate more food than we should of. It was wonderful.
Sunday we went to church, I rocked babies to sleep while Dan listened to the sermon and gained more insight into the 5th and 6th commandments. We went to lunch with some wonderful friends of ours at the Little Fish Market. (I had chicken for all of you wondering what I was doing at a fish joint) That evening my parents threw a BBQ party for Dan for his birthday. He is now 36 - back to being 11 years older than me! :-0 We had a few friends over and ate good food, watched football, and played a little wii fitness.
This weekend was a blast and it was nice to get so much fellowship in. Thank you Lord for providing good friends and fun.

Old News

This is probably old news to you, but we are moved into our new house! We are so excited and stressed and exhausted. We figure that we will just feel that way for awhile. We have moved everything over but still have so much to unpack and organize. The more we pull out and go to put away the more work we see that we want/need to do on the house. That is where the stress comes in, we can't do it all soon enough and we just don't have the money to do what we feel needs to be done. We have decided that we need to just unpack everything and put it all away to the best of our abilities and then make wish lists of what we would like to do to the house. We will prioritize those lists and as we have the money we will accomplish those things. It is really hard to wait though, when you are excited and you have a vision of how you want things to look. It is such a cute place and I am really excited as I watch things come together. It is still way more cluttered than I can handle so my stress levels are pretty high but we will get there. We do a little bit at a time and we see things form. I think one of the first things we will do is paint the office and then the baby room. We need a closet organizer also so that should happen pretty quickly. I will post pictures when we finally have things arranged. I am excited to have people over and have get togethers.

Keys...

We should have keys tonight! Everything is signed, money has been wired, so all we are waiting for is for the docs to be filed. Yahoo! I am relived and excited and tired and and and. :-D This means that we will be moving this weekend and cleaning out the apartment and moving away from El Cajon Blvd. That is one street that I will never miss. I won't miss the police helicopters circling at night, or the howling dog in the complex over, or the sound of aluminum bats on Saturday morning, or the school bell or alarm going off, or being able to hear everything my neighbors do. I am so excited to be moving into our first home. I am looking forward to the nice neighborhood, having a yard, having my own bathroom, having cabinets and counter space, making friends, and having room to have people over. I am looking forward to the newness and the changes and the freshness of things. I am looking forward to making the place our home with our touches. I went and saw the movie "The Women" last night with my friend Lyndsie. It was a fun movie to watch - definitely a chick flick! The more I thought about the movie though - the more I realized I didn't like the moral of the story. Yes it was about friendship, love, and forgiveness, but it was also based on the idea that if you are selfish and put yourself first that everything else will fall into place and be great. Just because you are a good person and look out for the interests of others does not mean that your life is going to fall apart and leave you with nothing. True happiness and peace comes from a relationship with the one and only God. It comes from loving him first and then loving your neighbor as yourself. You don't need to neglect yourself to put others first. You still need to take care of your body and hair and priorities. You just are not first. Which is a much happier place to be. The more I think about myself the more depressed I get and the more I just lose all perspective. I have noticed that I am really cheerful when I am thinking about ways to encourage someone else or cleaning things or making dinner for my husband or buying gifts for someone etc. I find joy in doing things for others, when my focus is not on myself at all. Just some food for thought.