Honesty...

Lately, I really just have not had much to say. I think about writing and then I wonder, does anyone even read this? Then I have to think, well what is the purpose of a blog? I honestly don't know. It is a way to journal online, a way for people to see more of you than you can express out loud, to let people see your heart not just what appears because of nervous habit or fear. As you probably already know, I am quite dysfunctional. I have a low to non-existent self-esteem, which makes it a challenge to make and keep friends (not much fun to hang out with I guess) which then effects my low self esteem. Such a nasty cycle. I wish I knew how to get off the roller coaster and learn how to not depend on others opinions of me. The other problem I have is interpreting things and taking things personally when that was never an intention of the other person. I can make a mess of the simplest things. I struggle, we all probably struggle with different things. You may be surprised to find that I am an introvert. My coping mechanisms are very different depending on the circumstances. I have been told that because of my fear of rejection I can appear snobby or prudish, and other times I make a total fool of myself and can't face anyone for awhile. How do you learn to get outside yourself and not worry about any of these things? Worry never helped anyone - in fact most often, worry is harmful! How do you train yourself not to worry or how do you just trust the invisible God with EVERYTHING! He is trustworthy but sometimes it is hard to trust. I admit I struggle! God says He is my all in all, I don't need anything else. Why do I struggle so much when I have the I AM in my life as my master, my Lord, and my Abba? Help me Jesus to have Your love flow from me, help me to have compassion from You to flow to those around me, make me Your vessel and use me to the glory of Your name!